Inordinate

in·or·di·nate -
adj.
Exceeding reasonable limits; immoderate. See Synonyms excessive, undue, unreasonable.

It has occurred to me that "inordinate" is the word to describe the amount of time I spend in a day thinking about women. I've also realized that I spend far too much time "thinking" and not nearly enough "acting". However, it's easier to think about acting than to actually act.

I'd like to say I have a fairly creative imagination, and when it comes to women, maybe it's working a little over-time. On the other hand, most men don't have much imagination at all... that's why men cheat on their wives/girlfriends so often. They look at some random woman at the office, in a bar, wherever... and think "hmm... I wonder what sex with her would be like" and then they do something totally moronic like go and find out. If the man in question had a decent imagination he'd be able to imagine having sex with said woman, and then could imagine all the following consequences. Voila, a little imagination could save a lot of people a lot of shit.

And before anyone jumps to any conclusions.... I'm not thinking about sex all day, just women in general. Specifically (at least for this afternoon), I'm trying to figure out the perfect scenario to meet this woman that I've been wanting to meet for a very, very long time. To be perfectly honest, she's out of my league.... and I mean way out. When she walks by, I literally get weak in the knees, and my higher brain functions cease functioning. I kid you not. I was on the phone with a friend once, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her, and just glancing in that direction caused me to mumble and stumble over whatever it was I saying to my friend… my mouth just stopped being coherent. He didn't know what was going on, so was like "dude, you alright?" I swear, if ever the opportunity presented itself to actually speak to her, I'd make the biggest ass of myself. Decades from now, people would be telling their grandchildren the story of the guy who made such a huge ass of himself when he tried to speak to this particularly gorgeous woman.

Maybe I'll stick to dreaming... it's safer.

And speaking of dreaming, I wonder WTF is going on in my head sometimes when I'm asleep. I very rarely ever remember what I dream about... maybe only a couple of times per year do I wake up with a clear picture of what was going on between my ears while I was sleeping. This weekend, I had two very clear, very surprising dreams. Both of which were about (wait, wait.... you'll never guess) women. Ok, that wasn't the weird part. Both were about women I haven't seen in over a decade.... since we graduated high-school. Now the thing about me in high-school is that I never really enjoyed much of it, and about 96% of the people I went to school with were assholes. In my graduating class of about 100 students, I can count on one hand the number of people I actually cared about as friends, and have fingers to spare, even if I count myself. The rest of my class had absolutely zero impact on my life… and to this day I truly don’t give a damn about any of them.

One was my best friend, a great guy that I’m still friends with today.

The others were two girls... amazing and truly special friends, both of them. I never actually dated either one, cause quite frankly, I always thought the whole “high-school dating” thing was total bullshit anyways. As if a 15-16 year old of either sex has enough of a brain to deal with “serious emotional relationships”. Hah! Whatever. But I digress…

In any case, those two girls just popped into my dream over the weekend… which is kinda’ weird since I hadn’t thought about either one in a few years. And these dreams, they were pretty amazing. No, not “wild and crazy sexscapades” type amazing… just “hugely detailed and unnervingly” realistic type amazing. Usually I remember dreams as just fleeting images, or brief moments… both of these dreams, on two separate nights, were complete stories. Each dream was like a weekend’s worth of time spent with each of these girls. I can’t seem to recall ever experiencing anything quite like it.

Then I snapped back to reality… these girls I knew 11 years ago don’t exist anymore. If I were to bump into either one tomorrow, would I even recognize them? Would they recognize me? One’s probably married, likely with a kid or two. Who knows, maybe she’s divorced and is stuck dealing with a worthless piece of shit ex-husband… kinda’ like my worthless piece of shit ex-wife. Actually I can be fairly sure at least one isn’t married, as the last I’d heard she wasn’t into guys so much anymore anyways. Mind you, I saw that one coming back when we were still in school… she was too often treated like shit by looser boyfriends.

Truthfully, I would say I probably loved both of them… I certainly cared for both of them more than just about anyone else at the time, and given time, I likely would have fallen in love with one or the other. But back then I was too stupid to do anything about it. And now, over a decade later, I sit here lamenting the fact that I was. Ten years from now I’ll likely be somewhere else, lamenting the fact that I never took a chance at getting to know the girls that makes me weak in the knees.

Some things change, and some things forever stay the same.